Advice to Parents in a Divorce:
How to Reduce Harm to Children and Increase Favor During Proceedings

The advice contained below is the first step to your obtaining a successful result in your case. Judges appreciate the efforts parents make to shield their children from emotional harm. If you follow the suggestions on this list, you will be viewed as the good parent in any mediation, psychological evaluation, custody investigation or custody/visitation court hearing in your case.

It is also advisable to maintain a confidential journal describing in detail any instances of your former spouse’s failure to practice proper parenting. Examples of his/her failures include doing any of the Don'ts described below.

“Don’ts”

• Do not criticize your spouse in front of, or within in earshot of your children, although it is often tempting to do so.
• Do not argue, or discuss adult matters (such as finances or the details of your separation) with your former spouse in the presence of, or in earshot of your children. Be particularly careful during visiting exchanges.
• Do not ask your children to deliver messages, money, or anything else to your former partner.
• Do not use your children to spy on your former partner, (this includes asking who your former partner is dating, or what activities he/she is involved in).
• Do not use visitation as a reward or punishment for your former partner’s behavior.
• Do not allow others to criticize your former partner in the presence of, or in earshot of your children.
• Do not tell your children that they will be able to choose whom they are going to live with. If your child is a teenager then discuss the issue of custody together with him/her, your lawyer, and former partner.

Negative Effects of Criticizing Your Ex-Spouse in Front of Your Children:

• Makes child defensive, and question their own self worth.
• If your child thinks ill of either or both parents it will damage his/her self-image.
• If your child does not trust either or both of his/her parents, it will reduce his/her confidence in the security of his/her future.
• Negative relationships with either parent prove to be the foundation of negative relationships with the child’s future spouse.
• Child will see him/herself as being in the middle and the cause of the hostility during a divorce.
• Judges do not reward parents who criticize their former partners in the presence of their children. (This factor is highly relevant to the judge's determination of custody and visitation issues.)

“Do’s”

• Be punctual on all visitations.
• Provide assurance to your children that they will be cared for and will have a secure and stable future.
• Assure your children that your separation is not their fault.
• Be sure that your children understand that both his/her parents still love him/her and that he/she has your full permission to continue to love your former partner.
• Reassure your children that their loved ones (e.g. your and your ex-spouse’s family members) are worthy of their love, and vice versa.
• Provide good examples of mature relations with your former partner, so that you and your former partner create strong exemplary foundations in your children’s future relationships.